Uluschak, Edd

News Item: ALTA. SAFETY COUNCIL CONDUCTING SURVEY ON NUMBER OF PEOPLE USING SEAT BELTS "Of course I don't have a belt in my car - I usually have a snort before I drive home, though!"

SPENDING CURBS 'HURT ECONOMY' "Goodness knows I do my best to keep from hurting our economy!"

VANCOUVER OFFERS $1 FOR BONAVENTURE "Guess what I brought real cheap for the lake next year?"

"After taking tranquilizers all summer because of all the noise, now that school's begun I need them because of the un-nerving silence!"

"Well, after I boarded the 'mystery train' by mistake, they WERE good enough to point out my error!"

"And what do you plan to do with your raise - take driving lessons?"

News Item: 15 FOOT HUMANOID CREATURE SPOTTED AT BIG HORN DAM "Tell me more about these 'little hairless, cloth covered, pink creatures' you've been seeing ...!"

"Now let me get this straight - this was a retaliatory raid in repraisal for their terrorist retaliatory raid in retaliation for our previous raid which was to retaliate for the retaliatory .......?"

"I hope you can explain this, Kamshapht - if these figures are correct, we've re-called more units for defects that we've produced!"

CAN'T SNOOZE? DOCTOR ADVISES BOOZE! Shot of whiskey in glass of warm milk better than sleeping pills 'I'll drink to that' sez reliable source "And here all these years I've thought all doctors were quacks!"

CITY LOUNGES WARNED ON HIGH WINE PRICES "Well, we can either have the lobster, filet minon, and caesar salad or a bottle of domestic wine and hot-dogs!"

BUNNY GIRLS' ADVOCATED FOR BUSES Canadian Urban Transport Conference told "Say, why don't I start leaving the car at home for you - taking a bus to work may not be so bad after all!"

LIQUOR STORE HOURS MAY BE SHORTENED So decrees Pete 'Big Brother' Elliott "Well, it's either close up early or purchase larger cash registers!"

[Richard Nixon depicted battling an octopus]

SOCREDS Strathcona East

Elect Strathcona East "You seem to be aware of this constituency's pollution problem but what do you propose to do about it?"

N.I.X. Mortgage Company "Then I presume the answer is no?"

"Man, it's been cold for so long that instead of seeing pink elephants, lately I've been seeing mastodons!"

"For the last time young man - I'm telling you that it's not addictive!"

"Osgood really took Finance Minister Benson's appeal for public restraint in spending seriously - he burnt my credit cards!"

"For the life of me I can't figure out why you post-men are against the five-day delivery week! Why just think, you'd have the whole week-end to spend with the kids and me and ..."

"Still cold out there is it, O'Rangatan?"

K-DAYS THEME SONG CONTEST SOUGHT "Sydney is endeavouring to write a Klondike Days theme song and claims he needs the proper atmosphere to get him in the mood!"

"You could have been a little more subtle than coming out and asking him if the city sanding crews owned shares in body-shops."

HO-HUM, ANOTHER AIRLINER HIJACKED "You may unfasten your seat belts and smoke now - this is your hijacker speaking!"