Uluschak, Edd

POPE ABOLISHES OVER 40 SAINTS "Do we have any category for unemployed saints?"
FINGERPRINT ALL DRIVERS SAY POLICE "In my case, they'd have to fingerprint HER!"
"And how is the pound sterling this fine morning?"
"I'm sorry. The Prime Minister is tied up with very important ... ... business pertinent to Canada's housing problem and ... ... cannot be .... er .... disturbed ..."
DOCTOR SAYS HYPNOSIS CUTS HOMEWORK TIME "Say, that doctor knows what he's talking about!"
SOCRED SCHEME AIMS TO END HAND-OUTS "Alright, alright, here's a dime - just stop calling me a SOCRED!"
EDUCATION COSTS SOAR - $754 PER YEAR TO EDUCATE EACH PUPIL "He wants to know if he doesn't come back next year, does he get the $754?"
TEACHER'S STRIKE COULD CLOSE SCHOOLS "... and please let the teachers vote in favor of a strike!"
[Charles de Gaulle; Referendum; France]
SUNDAY MOVIES APPROVED "What do they think this is - the 20th century?" says indignant source "Before we only had the Devil to worry about - now we've got Raquel Welch and Steve McQueen!"
"Pssst, wanna buy a transcript of the Federal-Provincial conference?"
"I did my spring cleaning over the week-end and had the junk-man pick up everything that was useless, cluttered up space, or didn't work - I kind of miss Ralph already!"
VIOLENCE CONTINUES IN N.IRELAND AS PROTESTANTS & CATHOLICS BATTLE "But you said we should behave as good young Christians!"
"There - isn't that more comfy?"
[Mao and Brezhnev depicted as mountain climbers]
EISENHOWER BURIED TODAY "I could have sworn I saw her salute!"
New interest rates on loans "I'd like to take out a loan at the old interest rates."
BRITISH INVASION OF ANGUILLA RESULTS IN SUNBURNT TROOPS "We should be so unfortunate!"
Welcome to Anguilla "It's nice to be far away from the strife and turmoil of the world!"
Please do not adjust your sets Network trouble is temporary and services will resume following a 20% wage increase
News Item: PEOPLE WHO ABANDON DERELICT CARS ON STREETS SUBJECT TO STIFF ACTION "Leaving the scene of an accident ... abandoning derelict automobile in street ....."
"Guess what dear? The doctor said that another little tax deduction is on the way!"
BODY VALUE 98 IN 1936 - NOW $3.50 BECAUSE OF INFLATION "In your case I'd say the inflation of your body since 1936 would make it worth at least 10 dollars!"
SCIENTISTS SEE LINK BETWEEN FATAL HEART ATTACKS AND STRESS OF DRIVING CAR "I shudder to think what it does to the passengers!"
CIGARETTE PRICE INCREASES BY 8 CENTS "All right Mac, hand over your cigarettes!"