Uluschak, Edd

"Well, nice to see that prices have been reduced to their exorbitant pre-christmas level again!"

BOMB EXPLODES IN MAILBOX THREE MORE BOMBS FOUND IN MAILBOXES "For the last time Alphonse - where did you drop that alarm clock I was taking in to have repaired?"

"I believe you folks are in luck - it just so happens we do have something for less than $5,000 down!"

"Near as I can figure it, she cost us $38.75 per pound so far, not including the $300 tax deduction she blew by being born five minutes after 1968 ended!"

News Item: 6,400 SHEEP DIE NEAR NERVE GAS TESTING CENTRE IN UTAH Dunway Proving Centre "There's no reason to fear that our nerve gas testing is harmful to humans - take my word for it!"

SUNDAY MOVIES REJECTED THAT'S A 'NO-NO' SAYS MANNING "What's this I hear about you planning to show home movies at your home this Sunday, Miss Herisey?"

"Aside from the cost of books and supplies, what did you learn in school today?"

OLIVE EXTRACT MAY CURE COLD "But dear, I definitely feel a cold coming on."

Exchange Dept "Yes?"

"I was stopped by the police and given a breathalyzer test! They didn't give me a summons - just a bottle of mouth-wash!"

"First Washington announced a major withdrawl, then a general withdrawl - I wish they'd withdraw a few of us privates while they're at it!"

"I'm against sex education in the schools - I feel it's up to the parents to tell their children about how babies come from the cabbage patch!"

"So who's parking? With these Christmas decorations up I can't tell when the lights change so I don't dare go!"

"I fed in my wife's shopping list to have it figure out whether the 18 1/2 ounce king-size box of soap at 96 is cheaper than the 17 3/16 ounce economy-size at 2 for $1.87, the 1 lb, 8 gram family size for 89, and so on when it blew a fuse!"

"Those My Lai atrocities are enough to ... bombs away! ... turn your stomach."

THIS IS 'SAFE DRIVING WEEK' "I've done my bit for safe-driving week - I took the car-keys away from my wife!"

MAN CAN LIVE ON $30 A WEEK - BENSON "Upon considering the opinion of Canada's foremost financial expert, instead of that raise, I've decided to lower your salary to $30 a week!"

[Richard Nixon, Spiro Agnew, the press]

"Please don't give me a raise, sir! Under Mr.Benson's new tax proposals, I couldn't afford it!"

Helsinki Strategic Arms Limitation Talks "We're quite prepared to limit our over-kill to 3000 percent if you'll cut back to ..."

17TH RUSSIAN GENERAL DIES Undoubtedly shows a general decline in the Russian Army "I understand you've been promoted to general - my condolences, comrade!"

"Of course we're going to vote for Omniplex - he should make a great alderman!"

MARS ISN'T 'RED' ASTRONOMERS TOLD 'CANARY YELLOW' Says Dr. Wattsiznaym "If the Russians get there first it will be!"

"Remember Trudeau kissing me at last year's rally, well this year ...."